John McCain: Life Insurance Flunkie?
John McCain just can’t seem to win these days. Obama continues to own him in the polls, he ends up looking like a lost, angry old man in every debate, and now it’s dubious that the poor schlub could even qualify for a life insurance policy. John McCain’s advanced age (and by “advanced age” we mean “holy crap the guy isn’t dead yet?!”) would almost certainly preclude him from qualifying for a life insurance policy issued by any company in their right mind. Which brings us to the all-important question: do we want a life insurance policy reject leading the free world? You decide.
It’s All for Cindy
Before launching into the question of whether John McCain could get a life insurance policy, let’s examine if he really even needs one in the first place. Traditionally, people buy life insurance to provide for their spouses and children financially in the event of their untimely deaths. First of all, with reference to John McCain, the word “untimely” is a stretch, to put it delicately. Secondly, it’s no secret that Cindy McCain is John’s sugar mama. You’ve got to admire the guy—he’s a septuagenarian who nevertheless managed to bag a buxom beer distributor heiress about 45 years his junior to bankroll his political aspirations. Now that’s marrying well. Cindy McCain’s net worth is estimated at over $100 million. So the necessity of a life insurance policy for relatively impoverished John McCain is questionable, but we won’t let that stop us.
A Snowball’s Chance in Hell, Really
So could John McCain qualify for a life insurance policy? If we could Bill & Ted our way back to 50 years ago, then the answer is “probably.” But, staying in the here and now, John McCain is undoubtedly uninsurable. Fossil records put John’s age at 72, which probably falls comfortably into life insurers’ “high-risk” age bracket. For you layman out there, “high risk” means “he could and probably will die at any minute, and we’re not paying for that.” Here are a couple other reasons why poor John could never get a life insurance policy:
- He’s nigh onto 100 years old, which we have established, but still.
- He is a wounded war veteran, and God bless him for that, but life insurers tend not to be so patriotic in their treatment of the previously injured.
- The flesh-searing Arizona sun combined with his history of skin cancer. That bald head of his has absolutely no refuge from the scorching rays, so unless he starts donning a sombrero, he’s in trouble.
- The occupational stress that comes with being president. Admittedly, nothing could rival the stress of being a tortured prisoner of war, but, let’s face it, John was a lot younger in those days. The stress of the oval office just might push him over the edge.
- Death threats from radical leftist groups; namely, the mainstream media, the NEA, any labor union anywhere, and quite possibly PETA (you never know what could set PETA off, so it’s best just to include them to be safe).
- Senility. Did you see that debate?! Wandering around the stage like you’re looking for a lost puppy whilst your opponent is speaking is not a wise choice when you wish to project authority and competency. Just a tip.
- Terrorist threats…life insurers tend to frown upon those.
The Deciding Factor
If you’re sitting on the fence between the two presidential candidates, then you must be headless because they are so different the choice should be obvious if you have any scruples whatsoever. I mean, really, man, what DO you stand for. No, seriously though, for you undecideds out there, which way you vote could very well come down to a single issue. What is this issue, you ask? Abortion, gun control, foreign policy? Oh, pshaw, nothing that trivial. Don’t be silly. Really what it boils down to is whether John McCain is qualified to lead a nation when he isn’t qualified to get a life insurance policy. Life insurers flee from him in terror . . . should you follow their lead? We think the choice is clear - McCain/Palin 2008. After all, who needs hope and change when you can vote for death and decay?!